WOW

Well, it turns out that GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!
You gotta hear this, guys.
Whoever reads this. READ THIS POST.
Yesterday, at my college, I was sitting in our weekly chapel and our vice president told everyone that all bills had to be paid in full by today or we wouldn't be allowed to write exams next week. So there I was, sitting in my chair thinking "Man... I have almost 1000 dollars left on my balance to pay... no way that any miracle can happen between today and tomorrow. I always hear about that kind of stuff happening, but it's never happened to me and probably never will. I guess God just isn't showing up for me this time." But maaaaan, was I EVER WRONG!
I got a phone call from the vice president today, and he asked me if I was sitting down... shortly after gave me the news that SOMEONE ANONYMOUSLY PAID OFF THE REST OF MY BILL! LIKE SERIOUSLY!

GOD IS FAITHFUL! GOD IS GOOD! Now I just have to fulfill my duty of finishing my assignments and doing well! Thankyou to whoever you are, you are a blessing and have strengthened my faith!

Turning around?

So, despite my hopeless nature lately, things just might be turning around!
I've been getting more assignments done and sending them into my teachers, and it's slowly but surely getting better.
I still have a very large list of things to get done between now and Dec. 11th...
It's going to be a roller coaster ride but I trust that the Lord will provide and give me strength.

Just before I started writing this blog, I spent a few minutes with God, listening to him and accepting the visions he gave me. I asked the Lord for a Word, but I got none, just... the same scripture that He has been drilling into my mind every time I ask for a Word.. Matthew 6:11, "Give us this day our daily bread". I know that the reason is because I don't read my bible daily, and I don't spend daily time with Him... It's hurting me inside now as I realize how far I've been from Him lately.

I thank Him for what He's done, and I know that He is my strength and my salvation.

Lord, please allow me to be strengthened so that I can move forward in my ministry with You and do Your good works for the world... Without my schooling, I cannot go where I want to go. Please God, show up... I NEED YOU NOW.. thankyou Lord. I love you.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Something that has been bothering me lately, besides all my life issues, is the one verse that God keeps putting in my mind to go back to. Sometimes (not all the time) I just ask Him for a Word and I'll read it. Lately, it's been repetitive - the verse Matthew 11:6 keeps popping up... "Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."

It's a mere sentence of 13 words. Not much, no profound passionate sentence... but it has a deeper meaning. It's God's way of saying that even though I refuse to listen to Him right now (which clearly even by writing this blog I'm 'listening'), He's trying to encourage me, I guess.

I really am at the point right now where I'm refusing to open up my heart & my eyes. I'm refusing to listen, and to 'be still and know that He is God'. I know He's there, I just can't feel Him. Things have gotten so bad that I have no emotion left.

Lord, I pray that you'd strengthen me and show me your light once again. I pray that I'd be able to speak in to others lives and KNOW that I am a living testimony of what I'm praying for - not some Christian who has issues and yet is praying for another person who has the same issues. God I pray I can serve you every moment of every day for the rest of my life, and that you remind me that this is not the end - it's just the beginning. Thankyou Lord, Amen.

Well, well, well.

So, it's been an interesting couple of days. Last night I started to develop a bit of a sore throat... and it full blown hit me today, and it's not fun. No voice or anything, and coughing lots.
Aaand I was running a bunch of errands with my mom today, dealing with Future Shop Customer Service people... that was an experience. Aaaaand, at the same time I checked out the beautiful DSLR's, which I just CANNOT get off my mind... however, I must wait until I have the money... it won't be long though.

Also, I found out in an email that the dream I have of being on the PLBC Tour Team can't happen this year. I don't blame anyone but myself for it, and I know that I really let myself down. Because even though it's a huge passion of mine to go on that, and change lives, I must first have my life in order. But I am really, really... really... disappointed. I look up to that team so much, last year I looked up to them, and I look up to the names on the list again this year.
Maybe... maybe... just one day, hopefully next year, I'll be able to jump for joy and praise the Lord for being able to go on tour.

Other than all that stuff, God's really been working in me lately. He didn't show up for a while though... and now I'm just trying to power through all my work and make things better for myself and others. I want to serve Him with all that I am, and yeah...

I don't know. I'm just... a little messed up these days.

A fellow student of mine asked me yesterday... as I walked in to the library, I didn't say hi to anyone, I was just minding my own business (but having a particularly bad day and feeling like a failure) and went up to him to renew a book. Immediately, he asked me, "When do you think Jesus is coming back Amalea?" and I was puzzled as to why he was asking... so I said I don't know, soon. He replied with "How soon?" and again I didn't know what to say. He continued on, "Do you think He's coming back tonight? Would you be ready if He came back tonight?" and I was left with a distraught look on my face. I really didn't know what to say, but that guy sure hit home. The Lord spoke through him to communicate with me, I guess, and it was pretty neat to actually see someone SHOW that they cared about how I was feeling. It was a totally random act and I know that it was because I'm not feeling "completely there" with life right now. It's all messed up.

Anyways, that's about it for now. I don't know if anyone even ever reads this stuff, but I'm sorry that a lot of it is negative - that's just how things have been lately.

Another sob blog.

Maybe this is the end for a successful life...
I really, truly, have not been happy lately.
and.... Crying sucks.

Evangelism... Hmmm.

Man, so... today, in my Spiritual Formation class, we went on a field trip to the mall, with the main point being to serve others; to serve by helping someone with their groceries, buying someone a coffee, sitting down with someone and asking them how they are, etc. And just doing "random acts of kindness". We had about half an hour to spend...

I was scared, I'm not gonna lie. I love doing that stuff but once I was smacked in the face with the reality of it, God really made me realize that even though my heart is ready for it, my mind isn't.

So, with a partner, after the half an hour was over... I really only talked to one person, helped a lady clean her kiosk, and my partner talked to quite a few people.

I'm in Bible College. I want to live for God. I want to be a youth pastor. So why can't I step out of the boat?

It's time.

I drastically need to make some changes so that my mom no longer things of me as a failure. However, even when I do get my life in order, she won't believe it. How come I have nothing good to say about life lately? I sound like a broken, dramatic record.

Jesus, I need you now. PLEASE.

Grrr.

I hate being sick. Waking up randomly at 6AM with a sore throat, sore sinuses and a never-ending running nose isn't good. Especially since my mom got home from hip surgery yesterday, and my Nana's here helping my mom for the week. I do NOT need to be getting sick and spreading germs...

Made for Emily Goncalves. Pretty proud of it.

Fail.

Man, you know things are bad when your Nana, who you look up to and get along with 95% of the time, comes into your room after learning of your bad marks in college and starts yelling at you.
That hits hard.
Really hard.

Is this the end? Am I almost a total failure at life, and is it really all my fault? God can't save me with this one. I know the saying, "You must first help yourself before God can help you." But for some reason I just can't get past the first step of that.

Lord, please take this pain away... Please let me know I'm Your princess, that You'll take care of me and that everything will be alright.

random.

I'm just a diamond in the rough, and with a little bit of love I'll be good as new...

Little do my teachers, friends and even my mom know... I'm hurting inside, and it's all hidden by one big bright smile as I survive each day. I'm realizing that I'm no longer thriving... just surviving. I wish someone would save me from this.

Yay, first post. Neigh, not happy.

Hi friends... or, whoever reads this. Just a forewarning: This post is VERY personal. Infact, it may just end up as private... but we'll see.

Man, so... I officially have a messed up life. Everything's crashing down around me, and I'm not even joking. I'm supposed to keep up a 2.0 GPA in college which, in reality, isn't that hard - but guess what mine is right now? 0.52. Yeah. Seriously. So I pretty much feel like a failure these days... and my mom's sure treating me like one too. I feel like an inmate, and I've put myself in that place, which is what makes it even worse.

On another note, I'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me. He used to, but I made mistakes, and as a result it's all over and I'll never have him in my arms again. I consider him one of my good friends, after knowing him for almost four years... and so, that's all we are. Friends. Friends. FRIENDS. Yeah, I know, I'm freaking out... but it's because, and I quote something I said to him last night, "I'm powered by heart, and not by mind. My heart will never accept it, but my mind has." when in actual fact I have these days when my entire self can't accept it... but I just have to. And he thinks that never talking to him again would help... on the contrary, it wouldn't, at all. I'd feel incomplete and I'd be that way forever because he's stolen a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. There's only so much heart to be given before there's no room for love anymore.

I truly just don't understand how I'm such a complicated person sometimes. I have the love of Jesus in me, and yet here I am sitting here rambling about how bad my life is. I just need someone to wrap me in their arms and take care of it all... and I know that my daddy (Jesus) has it all in His hands... but I just can't feel it right now.

School's dying. I might be kicked out next semester if I don't get my GPA up. My mom's going for surgery on monday and after that I'll be the main caregiver for her and the house, AND my marks. Arguments are consistent between us. I don't have a job. I don't have money. I'm restricted to my room, to do homework, and leave for school each day... and I have youth group on fridays & church on sundays. that's it, that's my life.

Now what?