Yay, first post. Neigh, not happy.

Hi friends... or, whoever reads this. Just a forewarning: This post is VERY personal. Infact, it may just end up as private... but we'll see.

Man, so... I officially have a messed up life. Everything's crashing down around me, and I'm not even joking. I'm supposed to keep up a 2.0 GPA in college which, in reality, isn't that hard - but guess what mine is right now? 0.52. Yeah. Seriously. So I pretty much feel like a failure these days... and my mom's sure treating me like one too. I feel like an inmate, and I've put myself in that place, which is what makes it even worse.

On another note, I'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me. He used to, but I made mistakes, and as a result it's all over and I'll never have him in my arms again. I consider him one of my good friends, after knowing him for almost four years... and so, that's all we are. Friends. Friends. FRIENDS. Yeah, I know, I'm freaking out... but it's because, and I quote something I said to him last night, "I'm powered by heart, and not by mind. My heart will never accept it, but my mind has." when in actual fact I have these days when my entire self can't accept it... but I just have to. And he thinks that never talking to him again would help... on the contrary, it wouldn't, at all. I'd feel incomplete and I'd be that way forever because he's stolen a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. There's only so much heart to be given before there's no room for love anymore.

I truly just don't understand how I'm such a complicated person sometimes. I have the love of Jesus in me, and yet here I am sitting here rambling about how bad my life is. I just need someone to wrap me in their arms and take care of it all... and I know that my daddy (Jesus) has it all in His hands... but I just can't feel it right now.

School's dying. I might be kicked out next semester if I don't get my GPA up. My mom's going for surgery on monday and after that I'll be the main caregiver for her and the house, AND my marks. Arguments are consistent between us. I don't have a job. I don't have money. I'm restricted to my room, to do homework, and leave for school each day... and I have youth group on fridays & church on sundays. that's it, that's my life.

Now what?